Dear Others,

I don't know whether to laugh or cry. I read through the Experiences section today of post-RK. What wonderfully intelligent, articulate and brave individuals. I wondered if there was a chat forum we could just talk back and forth. This website is wonderful, but the first time I found it I started crying and had to log out, wait a few days, and come back.

I had RK surgery in 1991. Both eyes, a week apart. The right eye underwent one procedure with 8 cuts and the left eye underwent 3 procedures with radial and tangential cuts. When I went in for the RK I was early 40's and nearsighted: -4.50 myopia on the right and -6.00 + 1.00 myopia on the left. I was never told anything except "you're doing very well."

Shortly after my surgery I think I might have had one good year without glasses. Then things started getting fuzzy again. I went in and asked about it. He said "honey, face it. You're getting to the age where you need reading glasses. Just go to Longs and get some readers." ( I felt entirely 'dismissed'.) I ACCEPTED THIS.

It was 'logical' to me. I was indeed getting to an age where some people need bifocals. It made some sense. I had nothing to compare it to. I went from nearsighted to very farsighted. A 'gross overcorrection' I think we would have to call it. I am now (at least during the given hour of my last refraction): +4.75 +2.00 x 97 on the right, and +2.50 +1.25x127 on the left. Hmmmm.

Well-I wish that alone were the end of the story. I could simply get strong glasses and go on living. But that of course is not the end of the story as your experiences as I read through them told me. I could have hugged each and every one of you.

I live at 4500' on the top of a mountain. Very dangerous 2-lane roads. Beautiful country. I have all of the problems you've all stated, with the addition of "progressive hyperopia with astigmatism O.U. post-radial keratotomy and anisometropia." In layman's terms...at ANY given hour of the day I have a different vision 'prescription' making NO glasses truly helpful.

My vision during the course of a day varies greatly. The anisometropia drives me nuts. I love reading. I can start a book, go have a cup of coffee...come back and perhaps not be able to read the same page at all that I was able to read a half hour ago. I can pick a "good eye day" (that's what I call them when I have one) and go down the mountain in the car on an errand and not be able to guarantee I can get home in time before my vision varies yet again.

My face? What face? Who can see it? Contours, elevations, curves that go left or go right. I can't tell anymore. I can walk around the back yard in my mountain paradise and step into a hole not seeing it as a hole. I can approach a set of stairs and see it as a 'ramp'--no steps. I can go to slice bread and not know the blade side is up. I know you all know what I'm talking about.

Daily safety is a great concern. I drove into an oncoming lane one day thinking I was in the correct lane. Thank God there were no cars in it before I realized my mistake. My peace of mind and peace in my life is shattered. Daily I fight the psychological battles to retain the peace within; I've always been a spontaneous, outgoing person. I find like you I sit around the house, afraid to go out. After twilight? What's that??

Friends quit inviting you to things when they know you may not be able to drive there. I'm getting lonely and very afraid. Afraid for my future and what it holds for me. Wanting to maintain my dignity, my laughter, my peace. Maybe we should all move to the country together and form a commune. At least we could laugh at each other once in a while.

I know what it feels like to constantly have to explain to people that "I can't see it." Hand me a menu? Why? Who would want to take me out on a date? Oh yes, I'm single. And living in paradise. Each morning I wake up in a national forest and see huge old growth trees outside my window. Of course they're hundreds of feet tall and it would take two people to encircle them. I cherish each day I can still wake up and see them, not knowing what the future holds.

I'm going in October to try to be fitted for gas permeable lenses. They have at this office both a corneal topography machine and some computer software that is supposed to help find people like me "the best fit" without a lot of trial and error. I pray after reading your stories that that is indeed true.

Did I mention that I had to retire early after 25 yrs at the same job because of my eyes? And did I tell you that from 1991 until just this past Feb 99 I believed that my problem was indeed what the man said--just getting older? In Feb 99 one eye surgeon I saw in TEARS because I "thought I was going blind" had the balls to tell me to my face that another eye surgeon had ruined my corneas. I sobbed. I had seen many optometrists and others in-between those years. No one had the nerve to break that medical bond and tell me the truth.

I am now retired at age 50, living in a national forest on top of a mountain, trying to regain a sense of who I am and make sense of the life I have now. I applied for SS disability and was denied. I am no longer able to earn an income, living strictly on a less than $1,000/mo retirement check. Scared. My life dreams are shattered. What new ones will I create to replace them?

You are right. The psychological adjustments necessary are tremendous as we slowly lose our eyesight, the complications grow, and our world as we knew it diminishes. I NEED friends like all of you. Anyone willing to correspond back and forth? If so, please e-mail me at: kismet_7@hotmail.com Maybe we should all get together, buy a huge ranch property and live on it commune-style. At least we'd all know each others' problems.

It's so tiring to try to keep explaining this. Why I look normal when I look at you but really don't see much detail at all. And how I may be able to do one thing one hour of the day but not be able to do it the next day.

Anybody had any success convincing Social Security about this? They wrote me back and said I was still employable. Hmmm. Let's see. I can't drive to a job. I can't promise I can see the written word. I don't perceive objects necessarily as what they are (one day I saw what I thought was a car sideways in front of me on the road down the mountain and it was in fact a very large bush...not even in the middle of the road, but off to the side.) I run into walls and people. (Hey, how many people have YOU knocked down in Walmart?) Those eye tricks you know.

For right now I'd like to use a pseudonym so let's use: Harmony. I long for it. Keep working at it.